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Mature Grimm's Gathering of Thoughts and Feelings

Discussion in 'Journals' started by Grimm, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. Grimm

    Grimm Broken Royalty

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    I think it's been forever since I've kept an actual journal. One that I actually vent about things that are on my mind, things that bother me, etc etc. So, why not start up again? Any comments, questions or concerns should be sent to me via PM please.

    Anyways, to start things off, I've had many many rough patches throughout my years of living. Gotten into different types of trouble over the years because I was basically acting out due to several things occurring over time, all at once seemingly. Not gonna get into detail on the things I've done and not go into super detail over things that caused my actions.

    I was molested by my own father when I was a child which led to my parents divorce. I had always felt that people treated me differently after, in my family at least, because maybe they blamed me for what he did even though I was a child and it was his decision to do that.

    I lost my uncle a week or two before I started high school and I had to get my wisdom teeth, all four, removed the first week of high school (9th grade for those of you who don't know). I never got to say good bye to my uncle, nor did I know until last minute he had been sick. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because my father would be there but my brother was allowed to go and that killed me. I couldn't go to say good bye because my father was there even when my other uncle and aunt were going to be there as well.

    I was raped either prior to 9th grade or prior to 10th grade, over the summer. I was babysitting for this guy and he took me to his room after I got the baby down for a nap. Saying no and trying to fight back, you'd think that someone would stop but he didn't. I'll never forget that either. I feel like there was more I could have done to keep it from happening and, despite knowing it wasn't my fault, I still feel bad.

    I started smoking weed when I was in 9th grade, my first time being...well, not exactly the best. I was dating this guy who was a major pothead, and possibly into other drugs too, and he offered me some weed he had already rolled up. I shrugged and said "sure why not" and took it but waited till I got home and I made sure to crack the window open and put a towel to cover where the bottom of the door was to prevent my mom or grandmother from finding out. Now, looking back, I realize that weed is not supposed to make you hallucinate or increase anxiety (in some or most cases) unless it's laced which this was and I actually overheard the guy and his friends talking about this. So, that kind of ruined the experience for me but, my junior year I met a sophomore who smoked weed too and luckily he was a decent guy and he didn't have laced weed and he even gave me his pipe to take home and smoke or we would go to a mutual friends house and sit out back to smoke. It was nice.

    My senior year, I was with a guy who was older than me. I was 17 and he was 19 and I actually ran away from home because of problems at home and I stayed with this guy. Me being dumb thought that he wasn't abusive and he was simply over protective. He got mad on several occasions, thinking I was eyeing his cousin or flirting with other guys when I wasn't. I was simply being nice, saying hi, the usual stuff I do being nice to people. Turns out, he was still involved sexually with his ex gf who was a horrible person, lying about being pregnant 3 times just to try and keep him and being abusive to him. He was still living with her when we started dating and I should have taken that as a red flag. On one occasion, I received a video from him of them having sex and he denied that was him to my face but I never believed him even though I told him I did. Valentines day one year, he spent it with her and cheated on me. I'm not gonna lie, I did cheat on him once and, he was the type of guy to think "you did that so I can do it too" and he did. He would always use that against me, making me feel like it was my fault. He would always go through my phone and at one point, he deleted an old email account I had that I hadn't even used in so long. I always had to tell him where I was and if we were talking on the phone and he heard people, he would accuse me of cheating or lying about where I was. He downloaded an app on my phone to track where I was at all times and I felt trapped. I couldn't have male friends because of him, couldn't go to study with anyone when I went to school (post high school) and I couldn't even apply to work at places where guys were (meaning everywhere). I remember one time I admitted myself into the hospital and the day I got out, I went to stay with him instead of staying with my mom and he said "give me the password to your phone" and I told him I would when I got out of the shower but he continued to pester me for it, even turning off the shower and telling me that I could leave if I wasn't going to give him my phone password. Without any clothes and without my phone. He smashed it to pieces and even proceeded to hit me and choke me until I actually blacked out. He dragged me to the door and threw some of my clothes out into the laundry room before pushing me out while I was still naked and bruised up and I quickly pulled on clothes before running up to an upstairs neighbors apartment. She was nice enough to let me use her phone to call his mom to try and get her to get him to let me back in because, at the time, she wasn't home (she lived with us) and she did and he tried to make an attempt on his life because he was "sorry". That wasn't the first or last time he tried to take his own life because he was "sorry". The last time he did, he ended up in the hospital from ODing on prescription meds and I packed up and went to live back with my grandmother and mother, where I am now. I broke up with him. After that, I never got back with him but we did hang out from time to time, still had sex from time to time but it didn't mean anything to me. He still had feelings for me though. Recently, he had messaged me, asking for help with his relationship he's in now and I offered my help but, it wasn't what he wanted to hear so he told me to "fuck off" and made very rude comments about me.

    Okay so I went into super detail about a few things but, yeah. Lots of crap. My life is slowly getting better. I've made new friends and have a current relationship which I feel like I've been waiting for. For the longest time, I never thought I would end up being with someone who actually pays attention to me, makes sure I'm okay, despite it being long distance. Depression still kicks my ass from time to time but, that's normal for me. But I have support and help now and that's what I need.
     
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