Mature I still haven't deleted this.

Discussion in 'Journals' started by Hooligan, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Occupation:
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    The longer I stand here
    The louder the silence
    I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
    Your voice when the wind blows
    So I talk to the shadows
    Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know


    I can't really keep it in any longer and let it fester. I don't know why I torture myself with this either. It'll upset me for the rest of my life but if I put it out somewhere maybe it'll make me feel at least marginally better. I don't know, but it's worth a try anyway.

    So here's a letter for you.



    I'm sorry I let you down. I should have been there for you like you were always there for me. I'm sorry we grew apart. I'm sorry I stopped answering your calls. I hope you still knew how much you meant to me even if I didn't show it as much as I used to. How much you still mean to me even though you're gone.

    You needed me and I let you down.

    It's not fair. It's too late to tell you now. It's too late for everything.

    If I had known, I would have answered the phone that night. But that's not an excuse. I have no excuse.

    It's so loud inside my head
    With words that I should have said
    And as I drown in my regrets
    I can't take back the words I never said
    I never said
    I can't take back the words I never said
    Never said
    I can't take back the words I never said

    I'm so sorry. You must have thought I had given up on you. You must have felt so alone. I know how that feels and yet I was selfish. If I had a second chance, it would be different. But there aren't any second chances.

    Not where you've gone.

    I'll say again the last thing I said when I saw you, laying there like you were sleeping.

    Thank you for everything.

    So much to tell you,
    and most of all...

    goodbye.

     
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  2. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    4:00 AM thoughts...

    No, I don't want to date or even think about dating anyone right now, but when I think about the future, I'm frustrated. I know I'm physically attractive in a picture but I don't feel like I am in reality. All I ever think about is my scars, or how goddamned short I am, or how being trans makes me feel extremely undesirable. I have faced rejection twice just because of that.

    I know there's a lot more to relationships with people than your physical aspects but to say that isn't important would be a lie.

    Not to mention I'm a major asshole.

    Jk. But I do have a ton of walls built up around me.

    Ah well, I'm going to go back to sleep.
     
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  3. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    How do you tell if someone loves you, or is obsessed with you?

    Where's the line?

    What's the difference?
     
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  4. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    With the acceptance to uni but only 6 weeks before the start of the semester, I have a lot to do, including finding a place to live up there and moving, figuring out which of my classes transferred, getting financial aid, finding another job... aaah! But I can handle it. I'm good at these types of things.

    But holy shit, it's happening. It's finally happening. I'm starting my own life. Head first. I can't wait to start classes. It's been a few years since I've been in school and I couldn't be more grateful to finally be able to go back to better myself and my future.

    It's gonna be a lot of hard work and hard classes in the geoscience major, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
     
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  5. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Oh my god. aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH

    I have to get blood tests and figure out where the hell I'm gonna live, then do orientation and sign up for classes and hope there's still room available because I applied so late. Did I do the right thing? Hell yes. Am I freaking the fuck out right now? YUp. I'm definitely gonna lose some hair and a lot of sleep.

    I had to borrow $125 from dad to pay the rest of the $225 admission fee and now I have $1.08 in my bank account until NEXT FRIDAY. I need gas in my car soon. How am I going to get all this done? Lmao. Time to sell a kidney. Or my Xbox and clarinets, loathe as I am to do that... hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh Time to take a trip to the local pawn shop.
     
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  6. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Okay, found the medical records, completed orientation, paid admission fee, contacted an academic adviser so I can sign up for classes (waiting for an email back), financial aid goes through in about a month...

    Now I just need somewhere to live. lol.
     
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  7. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    One time I bought packaged salad from the supermarket and it had a thousand aphids in it.

    Not really sure why I thought of that or what prompted me to post it in here though. Lol.
     
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  8. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Notes to self--

    Jobs applied for:

    GameStop
    Sephora JC Penney (beauty consultant)
    Walgreens (beauty consultant)
    Hot Topic
    Earthbound Trading (key holder)
    Charlotte Russe
    Barnes and Noble (Barista)
    Francesca's

    Lancome Counter (Macy's) -- received response via email. Counter manager position was already offered but they are considering me for other counters as well.

    (call and tell them address will be changing/moving to Flagstaff for school soon)
     
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  9. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    The more I look at this the more it makes sense.

    There's no fucking way I can afford this.

    Why even bother with anything?

    I should just give up but I won't. Probably digging myself into a pit of failure an despair but it's not much better than the alternative. At least I can say I tried.

    This country is beyond fucked up. How is anyone supposed to afford a higher education for a higher paying job? The job you have to work while you're in school won't cover the cost of anything let alone living.




    In America, school is only for the rich.

    and I absolutely hate every one of you who takes it for granted.
     
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  10. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    When you tryna stream anime to drown your feelings but someone else is using netflix so there's no internet left
    ff22.png
     
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  11. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    So, discovery. I'm not sure why, but I like being verbally abused. Fucking curse at me and call me an asshole. Tell me I'm a worthless piece of shit. It gives me a strange sort of high.
     
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  12. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    I got an interview at Dillard's on the 18th.
     
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  13. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Today I learned how to sew, and by that I mean I bought pre-threaded needles, watched a 12 year old's school project on YouTube, and stabbed myself with the needle three times.
     
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  14. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    GLG 101-001
    LEC (1862)
    Flagstaff Mountain
    MoWeFr 10:20AM - 11:10AM
    Geology, Rm 103

    GLG 103-D
    LAB (3212)
    Flagstaff Mountain
    Th 2:20PM - 5:20PM
    Geology, Rm 109


    MAT 100-006
    LEC (3662)
    Flagstaff Mountain
    Th 8:00AM - 9:15AM
    Student Academic Serv. Rm 238

    001-LEC(7934)
    Online
    TBA
    MaryLynn Quartaroli
    10/03/2016 - 11/04/2016

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2016
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  15. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    List of awesome female characters:

    Neytiri (Avatar)
    Sarah Kerrigan (Starcraft)
    Lana (Archer)
    Carol (The Walking Dead)
    O-Ren Ishii (Kill Bill)
    Ellen Ripley (Alien)
    The Bride (Kill Bill)
    Sarah Connor (Terminator)
    Letty Ortiz (Fast and Furious)
    Ada Wong (Resident Evil)

    To be updated
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2016
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  16. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    So a lot of you know I got hired as a night watch at a hotel. Not just any hotel, though. This is a historic building in the heart of downtown. It's pretty cool, and old. There's four bars in the hotel and only 17 rooms. It's been open since January 1st, 1900. There are a ton of ghost stories although I haven't experienced anything yet.

    The place is packed on the weekends but it's Sunday night now and the downstairs pub (which is usually open til 2 am) is closing early because it's so quiet, then I'll be alone.

    I'm in for a long night.
     
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  17. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Let me just say that this math class is utter bullshit. Over 200 people, all computerized. No lecture. Really? How much money am I paying to basically teach myself?
     
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  18. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Not that I'll forget this but putting it down somewhere semi-public somehow makes it more concrete.
    Goal: finish college, put geology degree to good use in Hawaii or Japan.

    And anyone who knows me personally knows I stop at nothing to really get where I want to be.
     
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  19. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    So I'm at Barnes and Noble. I had to go to the bathroom. No big deal.

    First of all I've been here a lot cause it's the only place with reliable wifi near my house. I know that they keep the main bathroom doors open while the business is open. They even have a sign that says "RESTROOM DOORS TO REMAIN OPEN AT ALL TIMES, DON'T BRING MERCHANDISE IN" etc etc.

    The men's bathroom door is closed. Red flag #1.

    I walk in and it's quiet and it looks like there's nobody in there so I grab the nearest stall and think nothing of it.

    While I'm doing my business the guy in the stall next to me I didn't know was there starts mumbling to himself. Very weird... very strange things and lots of cursing. Things that legitimately made me think "what the fuck is this guy on?"
    talking about "shit always come out brown" and other really weird things.

    It wasn't a normal person's train of thought (minus the fact that he's talking to himself. Not on the phone. I could tell by how he was speaking; there wasn't anyone else he was talking to.) And I'm thinking, is this guy on drugs? Is he crazy? And it almost sounds like he's trying to talk to me. I don't know but I want to get out of here as soon as I can because I'm afraid of being assaulted or something. It's never happened but being small + pretty + trans, you do the math.

    Anyway I'm done with my business so I leave the stall to wash my hands really fast and I hear him flush and leave his stall. I panic and go to leave and I hear behind me "you a chick ain't you" and I'M FUCKING GONE.

    OUT.

    GOOD BYE.
     
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  20. Hooligan

    Hooligan フウリガン Administrator Moderator

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    Coming to terms with the fact that I have no talents nor am I very good at anything at all.

    I'm not a very confident person in real life either but I'm trying to be.
     
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