Extreme Isolation: Chivalrys Dead (Criticism Thread)

Discussion in 'Critique Corner' started by Viktor, Oct 26, 2015.

  1. Viktor

    Viktor .paradise Lost.

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    Isolation: Chivalry's Dead

    The introduction chapter is up. Go ahead and click the link above if you haven't read it yet. Let me know what you think. Critique me. Ask questions. Anything. I will do my best to answer. Thank you in advance.
     
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  2. Smiles666

    Smiles666 Guest

    Let me start by saying I enjoyed the intro :D
    It really drew me in, you didn't give away everything immediately, so I'm left hanging on what the hell is going on but I do know it's bad. My compliments ^^

    While giving you feedback, I will quote things, hoping to show you what I mean. This may or may not be the only spot my feedback is applicable too but I don't really see the need to repeat myself over and over. If you ask for more example though, I will provide them if I can ^^

    I like this opening, you jump right in the middle of the action, without revealing much. We, the reader, know something is amiss but not yet why. It invites to keep reading.
    However, this is first person, and “Wha-…Where am I?” shows confusion (or at least hints at it) about the situation, so I'm a bit surprised the demand (for lack of a better word at this point) for stating his name came through as clear as it did. If Daniel is confused, wouldn't it be more logical that the demand was lost on him?

    Also tiny bit on wording - and this may just be personal preference, but I would write "No matter how much I tried to swallow it down, the taste stayed."

    I like this paragraph. It's descriptive and you actually made the many short sentences not be a bother to read.
    The tension is building at a good, slow pace.

    It "that" here referring to the question where Daniel is, or about the file?
    I am assuming he's referring to the question but I you could state this more explicitly. Not a must though, but it could help the easily confused people. (No, seriously, I needed a moment to realize that since it came right after Daniel looking at the notebook)

    Hmm, not entirely sure how I feel about this.
    Daniel already shook his head, it would have hurt.
    If they hit him hard enough on the head that he is nauseous and it needs stitching, he would have felt a terrible headache before it was pointed out to him given he'd likely have a concussion. Focus would be hard - even a light concussion messes with your attention span for at least a week (but probably longer).
    So, if that were the case, he would not have noticed all the details he already noticed. And he would have noticed his throbbing headache and probably nausea.

    I point back to my previous statement, though I do like this paragraph.

    This piece made me chuckle, that's a good thing. I just loved how the guy went "Yeah, I got that much"

    Perhaps you left this out on purpose, but how close to the present day is 3/18/2011? Present day story wise of course.
    If you did this on purpose, ignore this comment ^^

    Nice ending, we know that Daniel understand and you stopped with a great cliffhanger.
    WE WANT TO KNOW AS WELL.


    So, in short, you really have a good start here. There are a few details you can improve on (other people are probably pointing out other things than I did right now) but honestly, it's a good start.
    Especially for somebody who has never written in first person before.
    I applaud you!
     
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  3. Viktor

    Viktor .paradise Lost.

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    I appreciate the break down a lot! It is definitely a struggle writing first person and laying things out like a story. New for me, but your feedback was encouraging.
     
  4. Smiles666

    Smiles666 Guest

    You're most welcome!
    Yeah, I try to do that haha. Simply saying "this was baaaad" usually doesn't work :wink:

    Anyway, I look forward to the new chapter ^^
    If I can, I will keep providing feedback if you want - for as much as my humble opinion matters in these things. I may not always get to it right away, but I can try! (writing decent feedback can take quite a while)
    I do hope you also find other people to comment on your work, as everybody looks differently at a story. I may miss something or how I would do something simply doesn't work for your style.
    Which isn't a bad thing, but it could help to have different people look at it ^^
     

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